Tuesday, January 17, 2012

I'm Fucking Sick of Stupid Facebook Statuses

"Brrrr it's cold."  Um, no shit, it's the middle of fucking winter.  I do not comprehend why it is necessary to state the most obvious things for hundreds of people to see.  Just because weather is a non-controversial topic that won't infuriate anyone does not mean it's socially acceptable to turn your profile into an ignorant version of the Weather Channel.  I mean, if a tornado just swept away your house, feel free to enlighten the Facebook Universe, but if you are merely making an assessment of the fucking temperature, shut the fuck up because the University of Dipshits does not offer a degree in Meteorology (trust me, I checked; I need a bullshit degree just as much as everyone else does).  At the very least, personalize your statement a bit more, such as, "Damn, the silicone in my enormous fake tits is about to explode, it's so cold outside."  That would be far more accurate and insightful.

"So ready for collage."  This type of status leads to an immediate deletion of our friendship by me.  Unless you're actually making a "collage" of all the fucking words you are incapable of spelling correctly (which would probably take several centuries), you are most certainly not ready to go to "college."  Sure, you may be ready to get drunk every weekend and have non-memorable, non-commital sex with other "collage" students, but you are not ready to make a meaningful impact on society and are therefore wasting your most likely loaded parents' money on classes you are destined to fail as well as on Natural Light and LifeStyle condoms because you're probably also too stupid to even spring for Trojans and Bud Light (hence why you will likely end up knocked up by the end of freshman year before you've even cracked a book).  Go back and graduate elementary school; they let you make real collages there.

"I am just trying to find myself."  Bitch, please, I already fucking found you at the corner of Dumbass and Skank.  My search for you yielded positive results more rapidly than your STD test did, and that is saying something remarkable.  Don't use "finding yourself" as an excuse for shitty decision making.  Chances are fairly solid that you aren't lost at all; you are merely very stupid and simply need to locate a rich man to feed, clothe, and fuck you since you clearly can't accomplish jack shit on your own seeing as you can't even manage to find your damn self.  I can honestly say it would take some genuine talent to lose yourself.  You can lose your keys, your shoes, and your dignity (as you probably have on multiple occasions), but your self generally stays intact unless you pull a Voldemort and make some Horcruxes.  However, I think you make a better whore than a Horcrux, so like they say, you should just stick with what you know.

"Eating Chinese food."  I'm sorry, I'm supposed to give a shit why?!?  Unless you're warning me not to suck your dick because your jizz is going to taste sickeningly teriyaki-esque (which would be a pointless warning since anyone lame enough to post such an inane status isn't going to have his dick anywhere near my mouth), I'm not interested.  For your information, homeless people, the only ones who would be concerned with what sort of food you will be throwing in your trash can tonight, typically have neither Facebook accounts nor exceptionally picky tastes, so the highly specific update on your dietary intake is about as wasteful as your semi-functional brain.  Just because it's called a News "Feed" doesn't mean we want to gorge ourselves on the recipe for how boring your life is.

"I have no clue how I'm going to get through this."  Let me guess, either your boyfriend cheated on you or you ran out of Ramen noodles or you are constipated??  Something super important like that, right?  Something truly life-altering that will be positively impossible to survive?  Either put the razor down or start wearing long sleeves because emo is so 2000 and late.  The cool kids are suffering in silence these days, so go do something productive, like burying your sorrows in greasy McDonald's food so that you become too obese to have a boyfriend anyway and will never be cheated on again.  The solution for unnecessarily super-sized sadness is not publicizing it on Facebook but rather consuming a super-sized hamburger made from plastic cheese and cardboard meat.  Oh and if Ronald McDonald sitting on a bench outside the restaurant isn't enough to scare the emo kid out of you, I don't know what is.  Please see the above paragraph though, and do NOT post details on what you're eating; I would like to repeat that I do not give a shit.

"I love my girlfriend so much."  Hmmmm, that's really interesting; since you're so in love, I wonder how your cock just happened to find its way into my vagina three days ago?  Just curious.  (FYI, this is hypothetical and not referring to an actual situation)  I love super romantic types like that; it really gives us all hope.  Good to know some guys will post super sweet statuses about you even after they cheat and lie to you; the loving statuses thoroughly overrule any and all deception.  Yup, you can really count on dudes these days; chivalry is evidently not dead after all.  You better hope that status annoys me enough to delete you before I end up tagging you in my own status: "I love my fuck buddy _______ so much."

Now, on a quick side note, it would be highly hypocritical of me to claim that I myself never post stupid Facebook statuses; however, mine are generally a product of inebriation.  Admittedly, when I drunkenly update my Facebook status, my profile ends up reading like the diary of a particularly retarded high schooler.  "Omg is it bad that the tequila is starting to make his unibrow give him character rather than ugliness??"........three drinks later........"He is a grenade, but I'm suuuuuper horny, think I'm gettin it in 2night ;)"..........two more drinks........."Hloy shit, this guy is serouisly hot; 3 inches hvae never looked so seyx."  So yes, I'm guilty of sounding like a dumbass on the World Wide Web sometimes, too, but I try to keep it to a minimum.

Finding inspiration for this topic was pathetically simple; I barely even had to scroll down my Facebook News Feed at all.  That's because a majority of my "friends" are fucking morons, and the only reason I do not delete them is a combination of laziness and the need to have some people to insult.  So before you go "Check in" at Total Dumbassery, please keep in mind that I'm fucking sick of stupid Facebook statuses.   

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