I'm Fucking Sick of Unrealistic New Year's Resolutions

As we reach the end of yet another year, it’s time to reflect on the past and look forward to the future. Since most of us are too ashamed of our pasts to take too close of a look and actually learn legitimate lessons, we spend a lot more time looking toward that future. That’s the beauty of the New Year’s Resolution. However, as this time next year rolls around (assuming that the Mayans are indeed as full of shit as I have always assumed them to be), most of us will be sitting here looking back and wondering in astonishment at how we managed to fuck up our New Year’s Resolution. It’s so funny that each year we set these lofty goals and are then surprised that we cannot fulfill them. How the hell did I manage to not lose fifteen pounds and instead actually gain ten pounds?? Did I seriously have sex with five and a half people this year (sometimes if I’m really drunk and kind of just lie there moaning like a wannabe porn star because I’m too inebriated to fully participate, I just consider it a half) after I set my goal of three?? Did I drink alcohol even after I made it my resolution not to touch that shit?? As they (not sure who the fuck "they" are, but they sure know what they’re talking about, so maybe we should listen to them) say, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results. Therefore, in an effort to not only prove my sanity but have a fabulous 2012 (just in case those crazy Mayans turn out to be correct), the cure for next December’s disappointment is to be proactive now and not set an unrealistic New Year’s Resolution.

It’s human nature to rally around the opportunity to start over; that’s the whole reason why we so love starting a new year. That’s because we are all naturally fuck-ups. It’s true—if you really think about it, the primary thing about life is that we make mistakes, learn from them, make more mistakes, learn more, etc. So, naturally, the opportunity to start brand new, to have a second chance, is a wonderful thing. However, this is my nineteenth motherfucking second chance, and I’m kind of tired of desperately needing to start over each year. After all, it’s not like January First is a reset button that gives you this "Tabula Rasa" or blank slate that erases all your past transgressions. It’s more of a reassurance that said transgressions have not doomed you to a life wrapped around a stripper pole, that you can still dig yourself out of this hell hole (yeah, I’m optimistic like that).

As I force myself to look back on 2011 (and oh Lord, there are some moments that weren’t pretty), I realize a common theme; I was too afraid of change to truly embrace it even though I swore that the year would be so much better than 2010. Let’s see…I rang in 2011 exactly the way I spent a majority of 2010—drunk as hell and in bed fucking a complete random just to give myself something to do. From there, I managed to fuck up college……..again. I spent a large portion of the year living out of my car or living off some guy just because I didn’t have a whole lot of other options since I couldn’t get my shit together enough to financially support myself. I retreated back to Alabama a couple times just because I didn’t have a clue what else to do. I sucked a lot of dick (just saying). I let people get by with things they really shouldn’t have. I escaped a DUI just because someone felt like cutting me a break out of the goodness of their heart. I passed up a lot of opportunities just because I was afraid to change.

I don’t list all these things out of some sense of pride at my "badass" actions. No, looking back, the emotional damage I brought upon myself (not that many people actually notice that aspect of it) far outweighs any badassness I established. I lived 2011 just as I lived 2010, with reckless abandon and an immature "fuck the world" attitude that is not practical in reality, yet I expected different results. I expected to be satisfied with my life at this point just because I made some "resolution" at the beginning of the year about embracing change. Yet I lived the same unhealthy way as before. The definition of insanity, plain and simple.

That’s why we cannot be too hard on ourselves with these resolutions, or we are guaranteed to fail. As I look ahead to 2012, I must make myself be realistic. I know that at some point I will drink alcohol, I sure as fuck won’t hit the gym every day, I will still masturbate a ridiculous amount of times a day, I just may have a one night stand or two, I will still suck a lot of dick, and I will most certainly still make a huge number of mistakes. However, I will set a simple resolution for myself that will ultimately extend to every aspect of my life: live as honest of a life as possible. I believe from the bottom of my heart that honesty really is the best policy. That’s not just some bullshit they told us in grade school. Upholding the truth makes life less complex and better for all of us. Because truth mirrors reality, and living in reality and not in your own fantasy world (although those flying cars and chocolate rivers are far more appealing than paying rent and car insurance) is far more successful, truth must be honored.

I vow to admit when I am in the wrong, confess mistakes rather than denying them, show my true friends that they can trust me without question, and not accept anything less than honesty from others.

Straight up, I will go ahead and say: guys with girlfriends should go knock on somebody else’s door if they are looking to cheat because my little honesty obsession just might turn into me being real honest with your girl about your extracurricular activities. I’ve had just about enough of cheaters and am in no mood to deal with them in the upcoming year.

Also, no really does mean no, and if you are one of those people who can’t take no for an answer and decide to do whatever the fuck you want anyway, your ass will be in jail, no bullshit. I am not going to sit here and allow anyone to demean me or anyone else I know by using size, strength, or simply inebriation to take sexual advantage of someone. Been there, dealt with the aftermath in silence, no longer have any tolerance for it.

2 a.m. booty calls will go unanswered because a huge part of being honest is being honest with oneself, and I have to admit that my absurd lust does nothing but bring me down. And no, not just down on a dick but down in the metaphorical sense as well. Living an irreverent lifestyle does significant emotional damage. Never thought I’d say that, but as I force myself to truly think about things, I must admit that I wouldn’t be nearly as jaded and cynical of a person if it weren’t for some of the promiscuous things I’ve done.

So like I said, I know I’ll have my slip-ups on occasion; some of those may include occasionally accepting one of those 2 a.m. booty calls (sorry, I’m not perfect), but for the most part, I’m going to make a valiant effort at being honest. Lying is like being a drunk, inept spider: you weave a web of lies that ends up only entangling you and leaves everyone else to fly free while you yourself must suffer from the consequences of your actions. Thus is God’s will. You must pay for your sins; you cannot eternally push them off on other people even if you do feel like you’re currently skating through life by doing so. Therefore, I will be a sober spider and attempt to weave a web around me that is consistent with reality. And only people with similar goals will be allowed inside this web (yeah, I mean that in both a sexual and a nonsexual way). I’m sick to death of liars, and I’m fucking sick of unrealistic New Year’s Resolutions.